Thank you for all the support so far in this journey. As promised here is part II of “Tuesday at Midnight”. Be on the look or and subscribe because part III will be coming very soon! If you haven’t already check out Part I here!
TW: Mention of suicide. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Tuesday, September 22nd 2015:
The drive to Alia’s felt like it was an entire universe away but at the same time like the drive was too quick for me to gather my nerves. I spent most of the car ride opening and closing windows and adjusting from AC to heat. It was cold outside, even for fall. My hands were so sweaty I had a hard time grasping the steering wheel, and felt as though my car crashing off the highway wouldn’t be the worst way to go. At least my parents would have to say that I killed myself. I wasn’t going to let that happen. At least not today, I was too excited to see her. To see what she was wearing or maybe feel what her lips felt like against mine. Death could wait for another day at least until we all see where this goes. Her house was small. I wasn’t used to seeing houses this small. It wasn’t like the houses you saw in Belmont. Her house was a one story trailer painted a light mint green. The house had neighbors on both sides. It seemed like they were just inches apart from the rest. She walked out the side door and towards my car. Her brown hair looked almost gold in the setting evening sun. She had on a denim jacket with a black shirt underneath and her jeans had subtle tears and rips in different places. Her smile hit my soul like the first warm day after a long winter.
She guided me to a small cafe in the downtown area. It was different from the downtowns that I knew. Ours was one street with a church, fire station, and a laundromat. This downtown was vibrant with people walking into the shops and restaurants. I had never been outside of Belmont, I always heard of other places, cities in this state but I thought that the cities were just as pathetic as the towns. We ordered our meals and spent the next hours talking about how different her life was than mine. She liked her life, you could tell there was a satisfaction she had living everyday. I couldn’t relate to that feeling. She made me want to.
She hugged me goodbye at the end. I wanted to kiss her. Her lips looked so soft. I kept hoping she would turn around and give me a kiss as we sat in front of her house. The drive home I felt as if I was floating. Like everything made sense, but then a black cloud came through me. This was just today and tomorrow would be hard again.
Wednesday, September 23rd 2015:
I am empty. This world is empty. I kept waiting for her to text me all day. I felt like there were rules about texting her more than twice. But after the “good morning” text and the “I hope you had a good day,” I didn’t want to seem, I don’t know, stalker-ish? I felt dark again. It seemed stupid to go from a high I have never felt to my usual low. I wonder if she knew that a text meant this much to me. I wonder if I said something that pushed her away last night. I guess it didn’t matter. It’s almost midnight. My window is open letting in the fall breeze and it’s making me feel a chill. It reminded me that I am here, actually living. This isn’t a dream, this is still my life. I wanted this life to mean something. Dr. Tyngsburg would tell me that I could find the meaning if I looked for it but I felt like she would say that to any one of her clients. I bet when she goes home at night and pours her glass of wine in front of the fireplace (I am assuming) that she just thinks of how pathetic I am. Ryder was another one who thought I was pathetic. He had reason to, I guess. Everyone had reason to. Who would like me and what reason would they have for liking me? I was a burden to everyone. They either felt sorry that I hated myself so much and just wanted to end it all. Maybe get a redo in a different life, maybe things would make sense the next time around…if there was a next time around. I didn’t want to hurt like this but it hurt so bad. Everyday the world felt dark even in the sun. Every night my mind had the free time to wander to all the places that I knew I should go. Why was I like this? Why do I think everyone hates me when I already hate myself enough as it is?
Friday, September 25th 2015:
I don’t remember yesterday. I don’t think I was awake for longer than it took to go to the bathroom. Honestly, I am starting to say writing in this stupid journal is a wast of time. I think meeting Alia was the closest I got to feeling some type of “normal”. But even that went to shit. I haven’t heard from her once since our date and honestly I don’t see why she would want to reach out to me. I mean what is the point? But you, and this idea of writing in a journal is just useless. You were supposed to talk me out of these feelings but I just feel them now more than ever. I can feel myself pulling further away from everyone in my life. Ryder came over yesterday I remember hearing him. Maybe it was a dream but I knew he talked to my parents and came in my room to make sure I was alive. I can’t imagine why he would want to be here for someone like me.
School felt like a fog today, I asked Ryder why he came to check in on me and he said he worried about me, but why? I asked him if he talked to Alia and he said he hadn’t but he could if I wanted him to but that made me feel even more pathetic. I feel no different. This world still sucks and maybe I need to start a new plan to get me out of it.
Continue to Part III